Wild Card Wisdom

Wild card weekend is finally here ladies and germs, and it could not come soon enough. Before we get this thing started, go Clemson. I bleed orange and purple and I should probably see a doctor because I have been losing sleep all week about a game that is not until Monday, but I digress, as usual. But back to the NFL since that is why you are reading this, you want to know my expert opinion on all 4 games this weekend. I am a perfect 256-0 on my predictions this year, so let me tell you who is going to win this weekend, when it really counts.

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Wild Card Saturday Houston Texans Toilet Bowl (Oakland @ Houston):

If you don’t have chills down your spine thinking about this game then you aren’t even a football fan and I hate you for that. If there’s one game to watch this weekend it is absolutely this matchup between the AFC South Champion Houston Texans and the number 5 seed Oakland Raiders. So we all know that if the Raiders have Derek Carr under center they are the heavy favorite and even a contender for the Super Bowl, but he is no longer. Carr goes down with a broken leg and now Connor Cook is tasked with leading the Raiders into the hostile, JJ Watt-less NRG Stadium. The Texans are starting a $72 million back up, Brock Osweiler. Brock gets paid, Brock plays like crap, Tom Savage gets hurt, Brock gets put back in, what a year. The AFC South is a joke. Kenan I am pretty sure you owe me something like $200 because you said Tennessee was going to be a wild card team. Think about that, you actually thought two AFC South teams were going to make the playoffs, TWO!!! Anyways, the Raiders are going to win because their defense is going to actually eat Mr. Osweiler. Raiders 24-6.

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Legion of Doom (Detroit @ Seattle):

Matt Stafford is going to lead the Detroit Lions into Seattle on Saturday night and put up numbers that have never been put up against the Seahawks. Stafford is lucky to finally have a running game that he can rely on slightly with Zach Zenner running absolutely wild the last few weeks. Call this one a hunch, I think its Detroit’s year to steal a playoff win. They have a sound defense to contain Russell Wilson, so I think they will get a huge victory to set up a big rematch against the Cowboys in Big D next weekend. Lions 31-21.

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Dolphinished (Miami @ Pittsburgh):

This one just kind of scares me. No way Miami wins this game. Matt Moore gets to play in the playoffs after Ryan Tannehill finally silenced the critics and lead the Dolphins to the playoffs. I am a Tannehill guy, I think he has potential to be very elite someday, but then he goes and gets purposefully hurt so he can always say he never got his shot in the playoffs, he knows they won’t win this game. Now to the Steelers, they are the Patriots biggest threat this postseason, on the AFC side of the bracket. Big Ben, Le’Veon Bell, and Antonio Brown are a terrifying trio. I hate Bell with all my guts, but he can ball like crazy. The Steel Curtain is no more, as their defense is nothing to reckon with so hopefully Brady will be able to pick them apart in the AFC Championship game. Steelers 42-17.

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Cheeseheads vs Addiheads (New York Giants @ Green Bay):

Everyone is making a big deal about Odell Beckham Jr. and Victor Cruz running off to Miami to party on a yacht and while drugs are present, but I say let them. I hate the Giants, and not because they beat the Pats in two Super Bowls. I actually don’t really mind Eli at all, it is 100% Odell’s fault for my hate of the G-Men. I say let them go party in Miami the week before a playoff game, all the more advantage for the opponent. That opponent is Green Bay, and they are hot right now. They had to finish undefeated to make the playoffs and they did just that. Aaron Rodgers is balling out of control right now, and he gets to play in front of an animated Lambeau crowd, Packers by a million.

Good luck to all the teams this weekend, may everyone have fun and no one get seriously hurt.


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