The Ballad of Josh Gordon

There’s this thing I like to do where I take a popular sports story and turn it into an ESPN 30 For 30 in my head. Twenty years down the line, do you readers think they will make a 30 for 30: The Ballad of Josh Gordon?

Either way, I already made the tagline for ESPN to use.

What if I told you, a fantasy football hero blew away his NFL career while he blew out some AK-47?

 Quote me on that one, ESPN. I want to see a severance package when you make that movie.

A tale of destiny and defeat, Josh Gordon has likely played his last game in the NFL during the 2014 season, where he posted 300 yards over 5 games.

His 2013 season, Cleveland’s glimmer of hope posted 1,646 yards on 87 targets and 9 touchdowns, all behind a quarterback carousel while he was suspended for the first two games of the season for breaking the NFL’s substance abuse policy. Still, he was a fantasy football god, mainly because he went under the radar at the beginning of the season. At the time, Gordon looked like a top 5 receiver in the league, so what went wrong?

2014 is what went wrong, as it started with a driving while impaired arrest in North Carolina. The 2014 season was a short one for Gordon, as he only played the final 5 games due to breaking the NFL’s substance abuse policy on a 2nd offense, missing the first 10 games of the season and getting a team suspension for the final game of the season. This was, of course, when the NFL re-evaluated it’s original ruling on a second offense, changing the penalty from a whole season to just 10 games, so Gordon was pretty fortunate to play in 2014.

During his suspension, Gordon worked a side job doing promotional work for a Cleveland car dealership. Thrilling, isn’t it?

Last year, Gordon yet again failed the substance abuse policy when he tested positive for alcohol use, leading to a season long suspension. Personally, I think it’s stupid that alcohol counts in the substance protocol on a second or third offense for marijuana, when his original problem was marijuana, but if you have his kind of opportunity you’re an idiot for not crossing both out from your life. Let’s move on before I drown you in opinions.

Now we’re at present day. Gordon applies for re-instatement, and fantasy fan-boys everywhere start to sweaty with anticipation. Next, we hear party boy Johnny Football is crashing on Gordon’s couch. Yikes, ready for some more bad news? Cause we all know it’s coming.

Breaking news! Josh Gordon fails yet ANOTHER drug test. Mary-J and dilute in his pee, come on buddy. Gordon’s going to pile up one-year suspensions until he reaches his retirement.

I’ll say it right now, if you have the chance to make millions of dollars per year, and you might loose that chance only because you smoke weed too often, just quit. Smoke as much as Snoop when you retire at the young age of 35 (that’s 81 blunts a day for you non- Doggy Dogg fans out there), but quit while you can make millions upon millions of dollars.

Seriously, this isn’t rocket science. It’s not like talking to women. This is easy. It’s a no-brainer.

And I agree the NFL needs to re-evaluate its marijuana policy (as it’s legal in two active team’s states), but that’s not the topic at hand. Just don’t be an idiot, dude. At the least, stop smoking a month before you re-instate for your job, when you know they’re going to drug test you. Better yet, stop living with Johnny Manziel! Hire a personal PR rep or assistant or someone who can help you sort out your problems. Eat your vegetables! It’s almost like its common sense.

I know what you’re thinking, my precious readers… now what?

Let me tell you.

Fantasy football junkies everywhere will continue to get starry-eyed at the mention of Josh Gordon, just like a long lost lover.

Roger Goodell will get turned on at his ability to show off his power, yet again.

Cleveland citizens will keep looking under rocks for any signs of hope in their god-awful city.

Hopefully, Johnny Manziel finds a new couch to crash on.

And as my knowledge of mathematical probability tells me, Josh Gordon’s about to roll up a J.

History repeats itself.


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